Clannad: Tomoyo Path

 Well THAT was an emotional trip. Clannad. The game that can make the most hardened warrior sob in their blankies. Well I can't say that Tomoyos route is an exception.

SPOILERS AHEAD

I started this route quite a while ago, and only just now finished it because for some reason I had it in my head that I would not enjoy this route. I had it wrong. Tomoyos story is touching and heart warming and leaves nothing to be desired.
The romantic aspects of it happen rather suddenly to be honest. One moment we were friends having lunch the next we were kissing. She comes to my home every morning to fetch me and drag me to school on time. My best friend and I are famous for being late and she is insistent that we come on time.

There is humor interlaced into the story, as she has a slight obsession with beating my best friend up, and a huge part of her plot is her abusing him for being an annoying prick.

The depth of the story comes when Tomoyo admits to you that she comes from a broken family where everyone is cold and unloving towards one another. They are family in name only, and she seeks the ability to smile and feel joy with her little brother. A little brother that because he was so miserable at his families lack of love tried to kill himself. She wants his first day at highschool to be a truely happy one with no tears, and is striving to be the student body councilor in hopes of saving the Sakura tree lane that they have to travel to on the way to school.  The feelings that flow through my body as I relate to her sadness at her family being cold and Tomoya(the main character)s equal sadness at the lack of his families love.  On a personal note my partner and I are both not close to our families. Events have happened that have left both of us feeling cold and alone in this world and like Tomoyo and Tomoya we realized that happiness and family is about the people who make up your family who are even just friends. Not the people who raised you.

The most heart wrenching part of this story for me is when Tomoya starts feeling depression over the fact he is stagnating and Tomoyo is popular and going to succeed his utter dispair at the fact and knowledge that she will graduate and leave him behind and that everyone will leave him behind took me to the moment when I was 18 and all my friends left. My best friend Ali was going to school and so was Janna, but there was a moment when Ali's parents divorced and the one thing I thought would stay constant. Ali's little brother Evan, left with her mother to Missouri. I was left feeling utterly abandoned and alone in life. I made terrible decisions trying to cure that sadness. Unlike my life, Tomoyo comes back and tells Tomoya that being without him was not worth the success to her and that she loved him. They end up back together.

 Before I play the next route on Clannad I think I will venture on to Tomoyo After and play my way through it at least once. Wish me luck. I am looking forward to the hentai elements that Clannad lacks and Tomoyo After offers :-p

Tensions

I think I prefer things when they are not there or allowed. To have is to take for granted. To not have is to pine and desire. It takes loss or fear of loss to realize how much you desire something. The spark of desire between two beings, stolen glances, fevered dreams of desire. I fear these things as much as I relish them.

Can you learn to love more than one person? Does it cheapen the love for the first? Or does the slight distraction actually illuminate the desire you have for the first person because contrast makes everything more exciting.

Dexter. Seasons 1&2 Mofus there are spoilers.

So this show just came on air on Netflix on Halloween. I have already watched the first 2 seasons, yes, I am being a bit obsessive.

Let me start off by mentioning I HATE crime dramas. The tropes, the boring plot lines, the stupid characters, the overdone story on repeat... but Dexter is not your run of the mill cop story. Thank goodness. Because I would not have made it through two seasons of this show in 4 days if it had been anything like every other cop show out there. I feel like puking when someone suggests watching Law and Order, or even shows like Bones or Castle.  So why Dexter? Because it is dark, because it is morbid, because Dexter hates everyone in the world possibly more than I do and fakes emotions more than anyone pretty much ever and that is an appealing thing to me.

I am an emotional person. I don't have issue emoting. But dating my boyfriend is pretty much what dating Dexter would be like. This show has actually given me amazing insight into his feels and mind.  He is not a sociopath killer as far as I can tell, but he does not play by social rules. Just like myself. I actually don't understand how this show was SO popular. Normal people must be relating to the boring characters like Rita and Dexters fake relations toward her.

Speaking of Rita. Talk about boring Oh poor waifu mom who produced kids and has an addiction to dating bad men. Boo hoo we feel SO bad for you. WAIT I really don't. She is the weakest character on the show and a big part of the reason why I don't feel like watching more. I don't want Dexter married. I want him fucking hot young arsonist ladies. Marriage is boring and if Dexter gets married I just can't see this show staying appealing.

Also Dexter makes me happy to live in the Pacific NorthWest. Ug I can just imagine how muggy it must be there....

Dear Back of Japanese Yam Noodle Bag

The recipe you presented was NOT sane. WTF.

I understood when you were like LOL beef, potato, onion and noodle stew. I did not so much understand when the recipe turned into then add 2 cups dashi. TWO CUPS DASHI. Beef+fish= NO. I know people speak of surf and turf being good. It might be good separately. But stewing the beef in fish stock? No.

I made this monstrosity stew. It tasted like a cow fell into a vat of sugar and fish and I am pretty adventurous in my food eating, but I found something I genuinely found no pleasure in eating today. NOPE never again.

Suicide Girls BlackHeart Burlesque- Or the first time I wanted a girl to keep her clothing on.

 So last night my partner and I decided to go to our first Burlesque. Now we were very excited at this idea. We both love the looks of Suicide girls. We love the Tattoos, the alt look, the teasing way they pose. Just look at this poster here, the girls look so fun and free loving in it, and express what I have always thought of SGs to be. So months ago we excitedly bought tickets and have been waiting for the day to happen.

A camgirl I enjoy watching the shows of and talking to AnnaBee made the comment she felt that SG was not pulling very good dancers for the show and that she felt they were more campy than sexy and not as good as they could have been because of how they were being directed. But I was determined to ignore this thought and watch these girls with my whole heart and support them.

 So the venue chosen for Portland, was Roseland theator. Which is a great venue for going and dancing your brains out to Electric, House, Rock and Trance music. But not so much for people chilling and watching sexy dances. I was surprised when I walked in the door to see they had fitted it with seating and it was quite controlled. So we got a seat about 7 rows back on the left side back with a great view of the stage. Pre-show there was some terrible music that was badly balanced blasting over the speakers too loudly. We thought it was just some distasteful pre-show music, until we found out the cute short girl standing akwardly behind an mac on stage was a SG 'DJ' who was actively choosing to play badly balanced music for us. Forgiveable because when the actual show happened the music was better balanced. The first three or so acts were fun.It was novel and exciting and the girls were marginally cute, even though it was obvious most of them were not professional dancers.

The biggest problem of the night was when one of the girls started feeling like she needed more attention. So she called out that everyone should get out of their seats and 'crowd around the stage' because they were going to make the show as 'Punk Rock as possible' suddenly my good view spot was terrible. Tall model girls, men with baseball caps, creepy single guy swirls and masses of humans were suddenly standing between my seat and the stage.My view from that point on was about waist and above of the girls when they were standing straight. They also encouraged everyone to video tape and picture the show. So even if people were short, suddenly their bright camera was up in the air directed at the dancers and further obscuring the show for everyone else! My night was ruined from that point on.

Now the girls were lovely creatures. Albeit a bit thin for my tastes. They put their hearts into dancing, and I guess I will mostly fault whoever directed them for bad taste in music, costumes, and choreography. Amazingly the best song choice imo was the choice they used for the Planet of the Apes dance.  The dance for that song had a slightly Japanese/Korean pop star feel to it as well.

So why do I mention that girls needed to keep their clothing on? I have zero issues with nakedness, sexuality or free choice! My issue was this is suppose to be a burlesque right? Then why was most of the entire show the girls dancing around in panties and pasties? I wanted to be teased and enticed. But instead I felt like I mentioned I like the color purple and suddenly my entire house is purple. Too much of a good thing starts being a bad thing! Tease me more, show me less. No really. PLEASE.

Best point of the night? When they asked people to get on stage and strip to win a gift certificate to their website, and this sexy full bodied purple haired girl gets up on stage and starts sexily removing her corset then throws her bra off to show us her lovely, large breasts with no pasties! What a beautiful unashamed lady.

Flakes

I am really getting tired of how flaky people are! You invite them to things, they get all excited, then they bail without even a text. Do you humans even realize how cruel this is? Many days I set something with someone and I turn everyone else down to spend that time with you. When I wait all day for you to show up you have literally WASTED MY DAY. I am over it. I really am. At least TEXT someone if you are not going to show up or let them know WHEN your plans change.

Or when I am DMing and my party expects your character to be there, and they don't fill the role your character is filling, that is infuriating too. If you don't want to play with my group. Just tell me. Don't wait until the day before when I contact you for NOTES on your character to tell me you are bailing. UGGG.

Wheel of Time: Eye of the World 4/5 Stars

This is the 2nt time I have read this book. I remember the first time was a completely different experience. Amazing what ten years between reading a book can do for you mentally!






Spoilers Ahead!
I really hate the Egwene now, before I felt that Rand DESERVED to be with her and was making a mistake when he looked at other women. Now I feel like she is a bossy spoiled brat, getting everyone almost killed repeatedly. Lan reminds me of my boyfriend. Perrin is still cool. Mat is a rogue stereotype. Not having anything remotely sexual blacked out was a refreshing change (my best friend Ali-edited the books in HS so her little brother could read them). I felt myself shuddering as the characters walked through the blight. I could smell the rotten plants, feel the panic when the trees chased them. I wanted to hide when the No faced men chased them. I FELT this book. A book that can make me feel is good indeed.

Tonari no Kaibutsu-kun

I watched this anime with the same enthusiasm I watch most Shojou anime. Which is actually quite a bit. I was hoping for a complicated romantic story with interesting characters and a thrilling plot. That is really not what I got. This anime almost qualifies as slice of life. It has no really defined ending. The plot arches are not wrapped up at the end of the anime. It feels a bit too much like just a blip from real life... but not really at all.

It is very hard to relate with the main character. Yes she is driven, but she is constantly succeeding and getting her way. Being the top person grades wise at your school is just this unheard of idea for me.

The secondary main girl was much more interesting.She was beautiful and hated guys for noticing this in her. Underneath her looks she really was a nerd, popular on BBS and good at working with technology and with that she didn't care about school (much more like a real girl IMO!)

Overall I give this anime a 2.5/5 stars. It was beautiful. It had potential. But it just fell short for me.

Usagi Drop

Usagi Drop has got to be one of the sweetest anime I have ever watched. It evokes emotions and feels every which way.  If you can make it through this anime without feeling anything you probably are the coldest human on Earth. No, seriously.

As someone who was adopted, and has spent most of my life feeling unwanted this anime absolutely hit home.

There were a few things that irked me. For one the opening sequence was pretty boring. I am a big sucker for a good opening. And this anime did not have a good one.  The music is not that exciting in the opening either.

But the actual anime is beautifully animated. The character interactions are adorable. If all children were like the little girl in this anime (or Nanako) I might be actually willing to consider having a child one day. *sighs* alas most kids are rotten creatures. I know I was.

The dynamics between the grandson and his very young aunt who he is taking care of are adorable. I love how he had never had to worry about anyone other than himself and suddenly finds himself having to open his eyes to a whole new world of caring for this little girl.

Solid 5/5 I wish they would make a 2nt Season to cover the rest of the Manga... Which goes into the little girls teenage years.

Trigun-Anime

Finally finished watching Trigun, after oh. You know... 14 years of being an anime fan girl. Talk about being behind the curve...

I watched this anime several times as a girl. But never to completion. My friends would rant and rave about it. But all I ever really saw when I tried to watch it as a girl were guns, ugly girls and an ugly planet. I never saw deeper into the story line during that part of my life.

Spoilers Ahead
So Tom finally made me finish it, and this anime did a good job making me hate humanity. Pretty much the entire anime is about a creature trying to save its race, which is enslaved to humans. And his naive brother foolishly protecting the very creatures who are destroying their own species.

I liked Knives. I can see good in other characters, but it hurts me how overpoweringly stupid the good characters tend to be. Good for the sake of good just gets other people killed. If your entire race was being killed off/enslaved by another... wouldn't you want to kill them and hate them?

Disgaea Anime: Or WHY DID YOU FUCK YOUR OWN STORY UP SO BADLY?!

I really was offended that they changed the story so much from the game. There was no reason to. NONE. The game slowly develops characters, they change over time. Some characters are introduced late, and leave soon, but are still dear.

In the anime they introduce all the main characters in the first two epiosodes. WHY!? They did not need to be introduced so soon. They even left out one of the most impactful lines of the game. For no good reason. Instead they just added needless stupid filler.

Son, I am disappoint.

 Final question. Why did they add an ENTIRE character who was not in the game!?!??

Hakuoki: Demon of the fleeting blossom: Okita Route (yes, spoilers)

 So my first play through of the first USA released ladies focused PSP Visual novel. What a mouthful. Normally I play VNs directed towards gentlemen where you spend your time dating lovely ladies and getting up skirt shots. But this is a different feeling all together!   Funny enough I read the manga this VN was based on back in the day when they first started releasing Shoujo Beat, the old girls manga magazine in the US titled 'Kaze Hikaru' . This VN has similar themes to it and I think is based on it. Don't quote me on that!

So on to my feelings about this VN route. I played it while suffering severe depression over my Fathers death (yes, yes you are tired of hearing about it I get it) The dark themes were wonderful to wallow in. I felt the characters despair and sadness and this route was full of these emotions. (HEAVY SPOILERS AHEAD KIDS!). Okita's route is a very sad one. It ends in a mutually sad way with the characters fading into death together, so I just wallowed in my sadness with them.

Okita's route seems to explore the ideas of what is ones meaning in life, what are you living for, why do you do the things you do. When faced with the reality that everything you care for and depended on is falling apart, what choices do you make? With the main character on his side, he seems to endure, but without her he dies(yes I found some fun bad endings). Realizing that your body is not ideal and will keep you from doing the things you want to do in life is so depressing. I've been struggling with many of these feelings myself.  I found myself not wanting to put the game down after I got past Chapter 2, I needed to know what would happen.

I really wonder if The heroine is injected with the fake demon blood in the other routes like she is in this one. It was a pretty dramatic turn of events. Having your little brother be so bitter and evil as to wish you unhappiness in life would be a terrible fate. Yet in a way she found happiness in her illness. To live out your life just being with someone you love can't be the worst of fates.

Disgaea:Hour of Darkness (yes, spoilers)

So the game I most recently took part in and beat was Disgaea: Hour of Darkness on my PSP. I really did NOT want to play this. At all. I am not a fan of TRPGs, and this looked like another dull TRPG. But my roomate talked me into playing it. By telling me I had to. Over. And OVER. AND OVER. So I finally picked it up and worked my way though the game.

To start, the plot. I loved this games plot. I thought it was going to be campy, but it actually surprised me with its depth. I really need to start trusting my roomates taste in games. He has amazing taste in games. If he tells me I will like a game I normally do. This is just another prime example of this truth. 

The characters are all rounded and grow, and the humor is just a mask over much darker themes. As someone who just lost her Father, this game held lots of themes of parent loss and dealing with becoming despite adversity. Many tears were shed when the red moon rose. I want to cosplay as a Prinny now. As someone who has attempted suicide... I relate to them!

Most suprisingly awesome character? Jennifer! Sure she dresses like a beach bimbo, but don't let her looks fool you! This character is probably the most interesting one in the game. Despite living her life as a side-kick. Jennifer is a brilliant girl. She is confident and true to herself and reflects a human worthy of praise. Again all the adoption themes really got to me, but I enjoyed her growth and revelations. It is hilarious that she is working for a moronic man when her IQ is out of this atmosphere.

Gameplay wise, this game was a grind fest. But I found after crazy power leveling Laharl and a few mages (admittedly I handed the PSP to my roomate and had him do it for me because there is something broken in that man that makes it so he does not hate power leveling). Walking around Terra Earth/Fire/Ice ing as well as Dimension Slashing my enemies I rarely had any trouble at all. Admittedly in this way I cheated.

 The end game pissed me the hell off(the normal ending) it really was just not fair. MAJOR SPOILERS: When Laharl cried his line about abandonment and his mother to Flonne I actually had to poker face the intense meh that made me feel. My roomate wanted me to react so I refused, but man on man do I relate as someone who has been abandoned by just about everyone I have ever cared about.  The good ending is much more fun. I love flonnes change.

Overall: 4/5 for this game. It was good. But not the best. It is no Persona 3!

Life is the pits

She tells me she just is too old to be mothered, and thus does not like her Fathers girlfriend. I can only imagine having the freedom to choose to not like anything concerning my Father. It is amazing how things that you never noticed before start being things you care about as the time drips on and you realize the hole in your life. A hole that you could have imagined when you were in your 40s are 50s. But never in your 20s or younger. The despair that leaks when you realize that the few things you held as solid start to slip like time from your fingers, or even worse are ripped like a treat from a dogs teeth from your hand. Life seems to not be forgiving sometimes, just hurting you when you need it to be kind. How do you claw your way out of a pit when it is lined with the spittle of the monster that wishes to eat you at the bottom? If you use force you will accelerate towards doom. Go to slow and the tenacles will find you and drag you. That is right. Life is a Sarlac pit.

We

I would rather dream of that which I can not have
Than hold it plausible and true in my hand
For Having and wanting are such different worlds
One is full of star falls and desire
The other is brutal and disappointing and cruel

So from a distance I dream of you, of we
We make amazing lovers, and our adventures are true
Whispers of sweet nothings, under the neon sunsets
Together we face the clementine fallacies flawlessly
Fade to dust in my journal alone do we.