drift

On this isolated plain, abandoned I stare
Wording driftings towards me, lies a fake care
Conquest and Hormones, tides of titillation
Yet there they drift on the current

My pulse ever pumping, cursed liquid through
This life is a torment, dreamed or lived
I wander in circles without a reply
I anticipation freedoms, but they all die

As words sink in slowly, the sands intermix
I can't reply lowly, I can't find my lips
The curse is returing, ever again
Loyalties faulty, severed within

Into the waters of life and its sin
I sink far too heavy, can't even swim
Faulted for trying, ruined if not
I close off the walls, safe in my inn

Obsession on a Sentiment

I often wonder if other people sit and ponder sentiments. On questioning often they tell me no, that they don't sit and contemplate sentiments.

The place I often find myself pondering sentiments is at the bus stop. It is a place where you are often alone, waiting for your means to an adventure. There is no place to be, no place to go, stressing over the buses arrival is meaningless. You are in a place, waiting, and your mind can wander. Maybe to the person you are going to see... maybe to the bird hopping near by... maybe to the idea of the feeling of cold on your fingers.

Animals don't think, don't ponder. Our ability to ponder as humans is what makes us human. Maybe it brings us a bit closer to ourselves to ponder small things. I feel the moment we stop pondering, and feeling sentimental, is the moment we have lost meaning, staring blanket at the wall no thoughts... how can one live when one is in that state of mind?

Passive Aggresive Posts on Facebook

I love my friends, I really do. Part of my loving my friends is any time I am bored and alone, I instant message several of them. Typically only 1 or 2 are actually on their computers. So I talk to whoever is in the mood to talk. I leave my computer on at all times and when I am AFK I turn off my monitor. Because energy saving=good. Or something like that.

Today on facebook one such friend that is on my 'close friends' list which also is my 'If I am going to IM someone, you get imed first' list posted this ridiculous post. His post was about people who im you 'hi' and then don't respond. I understand being frustrated by my habit of doing this. But really you don't need to post a Passive Aggressive post about it on facebook to express yourself about this manner when you could just idk call me up on the phone? I replied on his wall, and kinda identified myself as the person he was complaining about, and apologized. Rather than being like 'it is cool' he accused me of being 'dramatic' and then unfriended me. The last thing he did was send me a long rant about how I am self obsessed, dramatic, ect.

I guess good riddance? But uh, the drama was kinda started by him posting the PA post on facebook, not by anything I did... we only really talk about once a month these days. >.<

I feel slightly bleh, I have been the friend he has confided lots of secrets in, I sort of wonder if he worries I will reveal his non-vanilla lifestyle to his new friends?

In a small way it feels like *I* broke up.

It is no secret that I am in a LTR, my partner and I are nearing three years together. Despite ups and downs we have stayed a pretty strong couple.

I find a big part of staying strong is finding people who help keep you strong. One of the core things that has helped keep us strong has been our fellow couple we hang out with.  This might seem weird but in a way spending time with another couple is one of the greatest ways  to develop and strengthen your couplehood together. It is like, you learn how to play off eachother and work together while spending time with the other couple.

This couple has played a pivetal part in our life. They were funny, hard working, loving, nerdy. We played D&D together, went on double dates, went to the movies, went hiking, spent all of our holidays together.

I can't believe they broke up, it is really hard for me, neighter of them wants to talk about it, so I don't know what happened and I am not siding with either of them or any of that. But my heart is breaking for the loss. :(

I won't let it hurt my relationship of course, but I will miss them dearly as a couple, and work hard to embrace them each as individuals.

Sadly, raise the minimum wage and the prices of EVERYTHING inflates. It is not as simple as raise the wages. You are just squashing the small companies out when you do that and supporting the larger ones. Then the prices of things increases because the price of production and labor raises. Only uneducated people think raising the minimum wages fixes things. The price of milk will just go up to whatever half an hour of minimum wage is at that point. Shit. Didn't think of that did you? Of course not. Because it sounds great and you did not think. There is probably a solution, but merely raising wages is NOT the solution.

Stop being naive, maybe the reason you make small wages is because you think small. (hypocritical of me slightly as I make low wages, but I make low wages because I refuse to sacrifice my integrity and suck up.)

Clannad: Tomoyo Path

 Well THAT was an emotional trip. Clannad. The game that can make the most hardened warrior sob in their blankies. Well I can't say that Tomoyos route is an exception.

SPOILERS AHEAD

I started this route quite a while ago, and only just now finished it because for some reason I had it in my head that I would not enjoy this route. I had it wrong. Tomoyos story is touching and heart warming and leaves nothing to be desired.
The romantic aspects of it happen rather suddenly to be honest. One moment we were friends having lunch the next we were kissing. She comes to my home every morning to fetch me and drag me to school on time. My best friend and I are famous for being late and she is insistent that we come on time.

There is humor interlaced into the story, as she has a slight obsession with beating my best friend up, and a huge part of her plot is her abusing him for being an annoying prick.

The depth of the story comes when Tomoyo admits to you that she comes from a broken family where everyone is cold and unloving towards one another. They are family in name only, and she seeks the ability to smile and feel joy with her little brother. A little brother that because he was so miserable at his families lack of love tried to kill himself. She wants his first day at highschool to be a truely happy one with no tears, and is striving to be the student body councilor in hopes of saving the Sakura tree lane that they have to travel to on the way to school.  The feelings that flow through my body as I relate to her sadness at her family being cold and Tomoya(the main character)s equal sadness at the lack of his families love.  On a personal note my partner and I are both not close to our families. Events have happened that have left both of us feeling cold and alone in this world and like Tomoyo and Tomoya we realized that happiness and family is about the people who make up your family who are even just friends. Not the people who raised you.

The most heart wrenching part of this story for me is when Tomoya starts feeling depression over the fact he is stagnating and Tomoyo is popular and going to succeed his utter dispair at the fact and knowledge that she will graduate and leave him behind and that everyone will leave him behind took me to the moment when I was 18 and all my friends left. My best friend Ali was going to school and so was Janna, but there was a moment when Ali's parents divorced and the one thing I thought would stay constant. Ali's little brother Evan, left with her mother to Missouri. I was left feeling utterly abandoned and alone in life. I made terrible decisions trying to cure that sadness. Unlike my life, Tomoyo comes back and tells Tomoya that being without him was not worth the success to her and that she loved him. They end up back together.

 Before I play the next route on Clannad I think I will venture on to Tomoyo After and play my way through it at least once. Wish me luck. I am looking forward to the hentai elements that Clannad lacks and Tomoyo After offers :-p

Tensions

I think I prefer things when they are not there or allowed. To have is to take for granted. To not have is to pine and desire. It takes loss or fear of loss to realize how much you desire something. The spark of desire between two beings, stolen glances, fevered dreams of desire. I fear these things as much as I relish them.

Can you learn to love more than one person? Does it cheapen the love for the first? Or does the slight distraction actually illuminate the desire you have for the first person because contrast makes everything more exciting.