Books

"I havn't gotten around to that book"~Me
"From anyone else I would accept that excuse."~Boyfriend
*inquisitive look"
"You read like a mofo, it is just like, giant tome, lol, one day"~Boyfriend

Apparently my boyfriend thinks highly of my reading skills.

Shades of Grey:Chapters 2-8

Ok so this book kept me up all night last night, I kept wanting to read more.Well I did. It was good, until the sex scene. When they started having sex, well I have read better sex scenes in fanfiction.

Spoilers:

There is a scene where her best friend Jose trying to force himself on her, what is it about jerky best friend males forcing themselves on you? I had a guy friend do this to me in my first college experience and it is pretty traumatizing. You know what is more traumatizing, the ridiculous feeling in ones head that future moronic choices they make are somehow your fault because you did not give them what they wanted.

Kate: Kate seems awesome, it bothers me that Ana pities her after she has sex with Christians brother. A women who knows what she wants and takes it is top form in *my* book.

That being said, Christian has gone from perfect dom to needy and creepy, and the book is losing its appeal quickly now that they have had sex.

Shades of Grey, Chapter 1

Since I made a long rant about BDSM and this book, I decided to get a hold of a copy of Shades of Grey and start reading it for myself to scrutinize if it is indeed 'unhealthy' bdsm like some people have said.

So lets start with chapter 1. Spoilers ahead kids.
The book is written by a bristish lady about a Washington University lit student. It opens with the main character having self image problems, looking in a mirror, feeling inadequate and just going out the door anyway. She is on a quest for her ill roommate to give a millionaire executive a interview for their school newspaper. She drives to Seattle, and notices many sexy blonde secretaries (something many insecure girls notice). She has a very heated conversation and feels sexually attracted to the executive (who is late 20s), and they have a conversation about control. She makes ridiculous conclusions, and he actually describes what is considered in the BDSM community as a healthy dom perspective on life. He feels he has the power and knowledge to help lead people to their full potential, and that is how he runs his life and buisness. So far the only unwanted touching that seems to have happened is that he put her coat on her when she was leaving in a manner that is still considered gentlemanly.

So overall my opinion of chapter one is:
-Main character is relateable
-Main guy is pretty much text book ideal healthy dom
-Writing is far superior to Twilight
-I Want to read more....

Old and Entitled

Do you ever run into people who are old, and thus feel they are entitled to be dicks? People who believe they deserve extra respect just for being alive longer, not for special merit? Well today I ran into one of these people.

My job at 'undisclosed coffee shop' provides wireless for free TO OUR CUSTOMERS. There is a sign on the window offering 'free wifi', to portray this. Any sane person understand that if you are going to go to a coffee shop and use their wireless, you are expected to buy some, anything, to claim your right to be there. It is just a kind of 'street knowledge'
Well today an old man came into my shop, asked me about my menu, said he wanted a coffee and would be back later. He came back later today and sat down, and got out his Mac (don't get me started on my disgust of mac users) and asked me to help him connect to the internet. After spending 10 minutes explaining (and looking up mac tutorials on my work computer because fuck macs I am not going to waste my time learning how to use inferior hipster technology)  I finally get him set up with the internet, and I offer to get a coffee started for him (as we had discussed before) and he gruffly is like 'NO' and I thought 'well maybe he will order it later' and went about my business of running my shop. About half an hour later he makes a backhanded snarky comment and the music being 'stupid young people music' then later tells some misogynist joke about football which makes me want to snore.
So it comes close to close and I have just been slammed with my normal 'oh man the shop is closing in 30 minutes we ALL have to go NOW' crowd. I am cleaning up and tell the man we are closed. He looks at his clock and grumbles and super slowly starts packing up. I then say 'By the way, next time you come in I would like it if you purchased something, if you are going to sit here for hours...' And oh man the jerk exploded out of him. He started giving me lip about some made up in his head oregon law that if I have 'free wifi' he is entitled to use my internet without a purchase. To which I reply that we are a business and our free wifi is for CUSTOMERS not random smucks off the street(ok I implied the smucks part I don't have the gall or bad customer service/jerktude to actually say that out loud). Then he gives me some speech about 'knowing' one of my co-workers and how he had planned to come by for breakfast tomorrow(we are not open until noon good luck with that one). But god. The nerve. I was BEING POLITE. He was sucking up electricity, making requests and mooching our internet. How dare he be a jerk to me after all the effort I put into him when he gave me no tips and paid for nothing. If he comes in again without ordering I am accidentally going to block his IP and act like I am too stupid to know what is going on when he whines.

/end rant

Sexy Abuse vs. BDSM

I have noticed a very disturbing trend in novels that are popular (IE Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey)
in idolizing abusive relationships. Now, I have not read 50 shades of grey, and I probably should to make this judgement. But I have read Twilight, and through the bad spelling, errors in grammar and VERY DULL plot line one thing is clear to me. Bella is a broken little girl, she gets sexually assualted by Jacob (a line about him forcing a kiss on her against her will, and her deciding it is OK halfway through, that is not healthy!), she gets abused in every way possibly mentally by Edward. He isolates her from her friends, stalks her, talks down to her ect.

So this 50 shades of grey book is SUPPOSE to be BDSM, but let me say it is NOT an example of healthy bdsm relationships. The key ingredient in a Dom/sub relationship is trust. If for example, a guy has you tied up, and gagged and you are 100% under his control, you have to trust him to not do anything on your list of hard or even soft NO lines. In my past, I have had a guy take naked pictures without my consent, then try and manipulate(and initially succeeding) in convincing me I was ok with this. Nude pictures are a hard NO for me. I don't want nude pictures of me on the internet, I am NOT ok with people having nude pictures of me, and if I find anyone spreading nude pictures of me, they can bet I am taking them to court for it. If you find yourself being 'convinced' or 'talked' into doing things you are NOT ok with, it is time to get out of a relationship. If someone loves and cares about you, they won't push you into things you are not comfortable with. Because they are a respectful human being. BDSM is about people (like myself) who enjoy pain and power play setting up firm boundaries with someone they trust and playing out scenes under these fantasies and fetishes. You need to have a safe word, and there needs to be some physical gesture you can make if you are gagged. The MOMENT this motion is made your partner needs to stop. I have personally only used my safeword once, and it was a great moment to see my partner stop and turn from playfully aggressive to kind and concerned.

So remember this when you read books where men mentally dominate women(or physically) in an aggressive and unhealthy manner. Aggression is not healthy. Trust is.

Missing Magic

The last time I built a computer was in 2005, and I still have that computer. It was a magical process, building it from scratch and watching it boot and a blank slate was there for me to build, it made me feel like a magician and my entire life was brighter that day. Well today I put together a new computer, I have been lurking about using my partners PC, using a barely functional laptop from 2007, and barely keeping my 05 computer running. Electronics age, they just are not made to be used heavily for 5+ years.

I had ordered this computer off w00t, I did not build it from scratch, I don't have the time or money to invest in a computer I would consider worthy of building. It is a very nice computer, 1 TB hard-drive, 4GB of Ram, a dual core processor. Perfectly suitable for someone who does light gaming and lots of sitting around writing stories and playing around on her computer. I don't regret my purchase. It was less than 300 dollars.

But.

The magic is no longer there, I am not excitedly finding a wallpaper to install. I am just sitting here going 'yeeeep' and staring at it. There is no feeling of the world suddenly being more brilliant and shiny because I have a new toy. Why? I really don't know why. Maybe with time I am becoming disillusioned to material gain happiness. Classes start on Monday, oh right. I am going back to school. Maybe I forgot to say that.

Pride

Today my partner, my best friend, an online friend and I went to a Pride Festival/Parade. I have never felt so normal in my life. For once I was not the 'quirky' dressed girl. Everywhere around me there were attractive women, funky clothing, and eccentric styles. <3 It is great being in a bisexual relationship because you can go to an event like this and check everyone out together.

After a very colorful and fun parade we went and did some shopping. I picked up a gorgeous black and gold starfish necklace that was hand crafted in glass. My partner picked up 3 well hanging creepers. My best friend got a cute skirt and my online friend got a cat toy. It was a fun day.

Figure.09

"And now you've become a part of me, you'll always be right here
You've become a part of me, you'll always be my fear
I can't separate myself from what I've done
Giving up a part of me I've let myself become you"

I always feared these lyrics. I feared they would apply. I feared they would become me.
I feared that the things my past lovers did that I hated would be me. I feared correctly, yet I feared without good cause.
Part of life is changing. Did I want to stay a Christian bubble princess for life? Did I want to judge everyone on some vague and un-authetic basis for life? Maybe I thought I did.
When I was asked to be Polyamorous by the first person I loved, with great strain, I took that step. I hurt so many by denying myself in such a way. I thought I was 'proving' my love to him. But all I was doing was taking all the foundations of what I believed a relationship consisted of and throwing it to the wind.
Relationships require trust, they require truth. They require compromise on all sides, but not selfless idiotic giving up of morals.
I regret yet don't all my actions with him. Why did I think I was so special that I deserved commitment from someone who does not do commitment? Even with his 'love of his life' that he left me for, he eventually slept with her best friend. Commitment is not part of who he is. Thus could I have loved him at all? I ask these questions of myself and feel a fool for so many of my past actions.
Yes, he hurt me, he cheated on me, he didn't use protection. But I was asking a bird to not fly. Monogamy isn't even that natural. Its use is for stabilized family units that are producing spawn, and I never felt the need to breed.

It is hard to express this part of myself, and I don't feel it needs to be secret. The only reason to keep secrets is if you fear yourself. I refuse to fear myself anymore. I am who I am. I have no reason to hide who I am. My past is in the past. I will let go of this guilt. I cut these people free of chains(or they cut themselves free), and I shouldn't let my end of the chains drag me down.
Goodbye.

Slumber

As I lay in  bed, my sleep far from me. I have a world of comfort sprawled around me. My eyes and hands embracing a world far from this, a place of safety. A land that thrusts its words to my head to explode in picturesque beauty. Yet next to me is beauty undoubtedly equal. The silence of REM transforming away all portrayed emotions. Soft undercurrents of beaten innocence, cries of distress for foiled salvations. No need to look strong next to me in slumber, a master of self, mine to devour. Dismissing the need to touch my muse lest it stir out of tranquility. Softly even in sleep it touches my soul.

River Walkin

I was walking along the a river with my friend Chucky today, and there was a beautiful hail storm around us. The river was streaming, and there were coast guard cutters and navy ships everywhere we looked. It was a good day.

Unfortunately his ISTJ friend was along with us, and man I hate Js. They are so close minded and moronic. Trying to squeeze everything around them into their narrow povs. I just wanted to be alone with my good friend. It is sad when you have to sacrifice being with someone you hate to be near someone you love.

College and Adulthood

As a young person, I imagined a glorious life, where I could drink as much coffee as I wanted and read whatever books I wanted from a library. It was my initial dream of escaping the ill definded set confines of my parents. I grew up in a religious home that made me think marriage and children was the only option for a women. Yet I strived for the college degree, I wanted to be more than just a mother. I did not even really want to BE a mother. There was a point where I hit hormones and dreamed of becoming the wife of a guy from church who was running off to be a missionary. Fortunately for me before such a foul thing happened he found a girl and got engaged and ran off with her.

College was time of struggle for me, I had come from a homeschooled background and suddenly every value I had ever held was questioned. There was sex, nudity, sexy women and even  drugs all around me. I was in culture shock, and I was in love with all the new ideas. Once I got past the wonderment of college life, I started striving towards college degrees. Knowledge became so important, I did lots of delayed gratification, dreaming that after college I would find a job as a scientist, own a little house, maybe have a husband and lots of cats and live happily ever after. WHAT WAS I THINKING. Not only are jobs a struggle to find, but most of them require a complete deletion of conscious, morals and enjoyment of life.  I know a handful of people who love their jobs, but most of them are either completely different personality types than me or liars that cheat their way into things.

So here I am, post college, and I really just want to go back to my wonderful world of academics and focus on school again. So of course you can guess what I am doing :-p

Note to new college students. Don't do a degree that is fun, do a degree that is useful. Also go to grad school.

Adulthood stinks. I hate having to clean my house, balance checkbooks and figure out where the  next meal is coming from. That is why I sit around reading books from the library, and work at a coffee shop drinking as much coffee as I want and ignoring my chores. So in a way have I not won at life for now? My initial dream is here. Unlimited coffee and unlimited books. Not to mention of have a smoking hot boyfriend, three cats, and get to go to arcades multiple times a week.

Reputation

Repuation is a weird thing. A person can be manipulative and a liar and do multiple illegal things, but put on a fake nice face and people think they are a 'nice person'. Ignoring all facts otherwise. These fake popular people must feel a lot of stress trying to keep up a nice person persona in public. It is far easier to be overly outspoken and a bit rude, and not actually try and manipulate people in my experience. Sure you might not win 'friends' but is someone really your friend if you have to put on airs whenever they are around? I take pride in that all my friends know who I am, they know I am loud, straightforward, and yet kind. I do not HAVE hidden motivations behind my friendships. I don't need 'power', I want friends that ACTUALLY care about the REAL me. Not some persona. Thus really I am happy for my intelligent friends that can make perception checks and ignore other fake people and realize that I am their friend, and as long as they don't lie to me things are all good in the hood.