Figure.09

"And now you've become a part of me, you'll always be right here
You've become a part of me, you'll always be my fear
I can't separate myself from what I've done
Giving up a part of me I've let myself become you"

I always feared these lyrics. I feared they would apply. I feared they would become me.
I feared that the things my past lovers did that I hated would be me. I feared correctly, yet I feared without good cause.
Part of life is changing. Did I want to stay a Christian bubble princess for life? Did I want to judge everyone on some vague and un-authetic basis for life? Maybe I thought I did.
When I was asked to be Polyamorous by the first person I loved, with great strain, I took that step. I hurt so many by denying myself in such a way. I thought I was 'proving' my love to him. But all I was doing was taking all the foundations of what I believed a relationship consisted of and throwing it to the wind.
Relationships require trust, they require truth. They require compromise on all sides, but not selfless idiotic giving up of morals.
I regret yet don't all my actions with him. Why did I think I was so special that I deserved commitment from someone who does not do commitment? Even with his 'love of his life' that he left me for, he eventually slept with her best friend. Commitment is not part of who he is. Thus could I have loved him at all? I ask these questions of myself and feel a fool for so many of my past actions.
Yes, he hurt me, he cheated on me, he didn't use protection. But I was asking a bird to not fly. Monogamy isn't even that natural. Its use is for stabilized family units that are producing spawn, and I never felt the need to breed.

It is hard to express this part of myself, and I don't feel it needs to be secret. The only reason to keep secrets is if you fear yourself. I refuse to fear myself anymore. I am who I am. I have no reason to hide who I am. My past is in the past. I will let go of this guilt. I cut these people free of chains(or they cut themselves free), and I shouldn't let my end of the chains drag me down.
Goodbye.