Thursday, December 20, 2012
The Hobbit: A review/thoughts/Spoilers!
I enjoyed the new Hobbit movie, it was very good. It gave me many nerdgasims. I was so happy with all the added content from the Simiril. I am not in an eloquent mood so you can bet your bottom dollar this rant is going to be on the goofy rather than fancy side.
The music:Felt like remixes of the LOTR soundtrack.
Songs sung by characters: SO amazing. One of my problems with the animated hobbit was that it made the entire thing seem so lighthearted and goofy. This goofiness was great in its own way. I mean the RotK 'Where there's a whip there's a way' is one of the best songs ever created in the history of ever. But it really simplified the iconic darkness down in the series.
Dwarves: OMG they made me finally fall in love with dwarves. 20 years after I was introduced to them I finally get them. I love dwarves now!!!!!
White council: I got in a huge fight with a friend over the presence of the white council in this movie. I feel like bringing it in really helped connect the two trilogies and was iconic and very good for the flow of the movie.
The brown wizard: This is my partner in 40 years. He will have a sled with cats as the mounts, just you watch. I loved him and his wacky wonderful personality.
In the end. The Hobbit iconizes everything I love about Tolkien and makes me excited to play more D&D.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Katawa Shoujo: Hanaka Route
Well, if you have yet to realize I am on a VN kick. I have been been playing them like crazy. While investigating VNs I came upon a thread on Reddit and everyone was discussing this game. Katawa Shoujo. Or 'Imperfect Girl'. Intrigued as to it's popularity, I downloaded it. Only to realize that this game was written, programmed and drawn by 4chan. Shocked that such a website could pull off a game I was tenative to play it. Yet as I played my way through this game, I quickly realized that it was quite possibly one of the most brilliant fan made games I had ever seen.The plot is compelling and rich. I FELT the characters feelings. I was him. I had a heart condition. I loved this scarred and broken girl, I wanted her to be happy. I wanted to be part of the cause of that happiness. Hanaka has major hatred of everyone (wow sounds familiar *glances at her partner*), and thus isolates herself from the world. She is sophisticated, lovely and nerdy in her love for books. I did not find her scars appalling at all, and felt they made her unique. I finished this route in tears this morning. My only fear is that I won't enjoy the other routes in the game because I was so very connected to this one.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Da Capo:Mako Route
So I finally finished Mako's route. I did NOT enjoy this route. Mako wants to be fake boyfriend girlfriend to ward off suitors she is not interested in and I get roped into it. Truth is she really likes the hero, and is being a coy bitch, and pretending our relationship is fake while all along really liking me. I felt so deceived. I dislike deception. So this really angered me. The sex scene felt very wrong. I pound away her virginity mercilessly from behind like an animal. At least the main character had the guts to feel like the tool he was after this scene. In the end I decide 'oh well I love her' and we end up together. *feels shitty some more...* Anyone else want to put a severe time limit on this relationship? I hope that Sakura's route is better. I have been avoiding hers because it is so Loli.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Clannad: Misae Path
Finally got a copy of Clannad working on my computer. Just finished Misae's path. This is a very sad story. I *cried*. No sex was had. It is more a story of companionship, healing and stagnation. I really like Misae. She is very endearing. I am glad I played her path first. The photo above is from the anime, Misae does not have any CG in the game. Probably the shortest route in the game.
Speaking of short routes, I am ALMOST done with Mako's route in Da Capo... but meh I don't like her. Will post about it once I finish it.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Da Capo: Nemu Route
So Nemu was my favorite character in the Da Capo anime. I related to her jealousy and sadness mixed with her happiness. I did not feel this happiness in the VN. I felt lots of bossiness, neediness and stupidity. Of course I watched the anime in HS and I am now well into my mid-20s. Nemu has problems with having two souls in her body, and when they both fall in love they can't be contained and she starts fainting and coughing sakura petals. It is rather disturbing to think about. I probably should be disturbed that this route is incest.... but I am not. They are not REALLY siblings, they are friends and his parents adopted her when hers died in a car accident. Overall I enjoyed her route better than Moe's but I feel like I missed a sex scene since there was only one. But that might be because she is sickly and incest is suppose to be creepy. Next up? Mako!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Da Capo: Moe route
I just finished Moe's route on Da Capo, and I really feel bad for this character she is so simple and traumatized and people seem to take no notice of her beyond the protagonist and her sister, Mako. How is it that no one took the sleeping pills away from her or explained to her that her friend was dead? I feel like a whole lot of enablement and lack of care took place in her storyline. It was rather distressing. If the protagonist ever leaves her (most HS relationships don't work out) she is going to become almost worthless in her levels of mental brokeness. On the upper hand, her food sounds delicious!
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Really now?
Found this while browsing a dating site. This is the girls entire 'profile' message
"if you message me please send at lest one pic of you if dont have a profile pic. if i dont repont to messages its becuse you didnt do this."
Honestly. There is having a hard time spelling, as I do. Then there is another level, of not giving a fuck. Anyone half way intelligent should be turned off by profiles such as these.
"if you message me please send at lest one pic of you if dont have a profile pic. if i dont repont to messages its becuse you didnt do this."
Honestly. There is having a hard time spelling, as I do. Then there is another level, of not giving a fuck. Anyone half way intelligent should be turned off by profiles such as these.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Well That Sucks
Finding kindred spirits seems to be an eternal struggle for me. I can find 'friends' people who will much around with me, people who will eat my food or maybe if I own something they want to use show up. But finding a true friend is a rare event in life.
I recently met a new friend. Ash. She was everything I wanted in a friend, and I was seeing her every few days. Strangely enough, magically, she was from my home town, and knew many of the people I knew growing up. But she was in the middle of some marital struggles, where here husband convinced her that they needed to be in an 'open relationship' that consisted of him going off and sleeping with other ladies and spending her money to do it, and not sleeping with her. Anyway. Push comes to shove I told her she needed to respect herself and stand up for her desires. So she did... and it culminated in her requesting a divorce from him. Yeah!!! But then she decided to move back to our home town. No. Bad friend. Don't go.... oh bye :(
In other words, I finally have developed some self respect. I never realized I was lacking this. Self respect is that emotion that makes you realize it is not YOUR fault when someone else takes insult in your honesty and good willed actions. Self respect is that feeling of NO I do NOT deserve to be treated badly just because you have a lack of confidence. It is this amazing feeling where instead of being the victim and letting people hurt you, you flip them off and walk away leaving them angry and not caring that they are angry because that is their issue not yours.
I recently met a new friend. Ash. She was everything I wanted in a friend, and I was seeing her every few days. Strangely enough, magically, she was from my home town, and knew many of the people I knew growing up. But she was in the middle of some marital struggles, where here husband convinced her that they needed to be in an 'open relationship' that consisted of him going off and sleeping with other ladies and spending her money to do it, and not sleeping with her. Anyway. Push comes to shove I told her she needed to respect herself and stand up for her desires. So she did... and it culminated in her requesting a divorce from him. Yeah!!! But then she decided to move back to our home town. No. Bad friend. Don't go.... oh bye :(
In other words, I finally have developed some self respect. I never realized I was lacking this. Self respect is that emotion that makes you realize it is not YOUR fault when someone else takes insult in your honesty and good willed actions. Self respect is that feeling of NO I do NOT deserve to be treated badly just because you have a lack of confidence. It is this amazing feeling where instead of being the victim and letting people hurt you, you flip them off and walk away leaving them angry and not caring that they are angry because that is their issue not yours.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Possible Malware Alert
http://www.aikenstandard.com/
Discusses a malware that was spread to several hundred thousand
computers before the FBI caught the hackers who made it.
This malware makes it so your computers information that is projected
through the internet has to go through a server these hackers ran(to
try and explain this in simple words), it has to do with DNS being
changed.
The FBI has control of this server, and has for a long time, but they
are planning on turning it off on Monday, when they do this, if you
have this particular malware, you will no longer be able to connect to
the internet. The process you would have to go through to fix this
problem after Monday and get back online will be arduous.
The FBI directs people to this website http://www.dcwg.org to check
if you have the malware.
Through that website they link you to http://www.dns-ok.us/ which will
check your computer for the malware. IF you do have the malware, there
is information on removal on the above site.
Anyway, just a friendly/concerned blog appeal to you guys to check you and
and your friends/families computers.
You don't have to trust me on this, google search it, do research, but
it is better to be safe than sorry in such circumstances.
Discusses a malware that was spread to several hundred thousand
computers before the FBI caught the hackers who made it.
This malware makes it so your computers information that is projected
through the internet has to go through a server these hackers ran(to
try and explain this in simple words), it has to do with DNS being
changed.
The FBI has control of this server, and has for a long time, but they
are planning on turning it off on Monday, when they do this, if you
have this particular malware, you will no longer be able to connect to
the internet. The process you would have to go through to fix this
problem after Monday and get back online will be arduous.
The FBI directs people to this website http://www.dcwg.org to check
if you have the malware.
Through that website they link you to http://www.dns-ok.us/ which will
check your computer for the malware. IF you do have the malware, there
is information on removal on the above site.
Anyway, just a friendly/concerned blog appeal to you guys to check you and
and your friends/families computers.
You don't have to trust me on this, google search it, do research, but
it is better to be safe than sorry in such circumstances.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
HTML
So I am taking a class (I call it computers for idiots) at my newest college, that is a pre-req for the awesome classes I want to take so I can work on getting into a Masters program in GIS(or something along those lines). Anyhow, this classes week one assignment was 'make some screenshots and upload them to Filezilla' and I was thinking 'dear heavens how trivial, who can not do this? Well the fact that 60% of my classmates got a 70% of lower on this assignment answers my question. Well Assignment 2 is build a website in HTML. I honestly am not sure how this class is going to accomplish this. If they have issues taking screenshots and uploading them to Filezilla, how will they be able to build an HTML website? I use to build websites in the 90s/early 00s so this is trivial and childs play for me. I mainly am just obsessively adding underlayers of things to make it more beautiful.
Also, real questions on one of my quizzes.
If people really don't know the answers to these questions, they should go bury themselves in sand and die, because that is where they are at technology wise. Too far gone to recover.
Also, real questions on one of my quizzes.
If people really don't know the answers to these questions, they should go bury themselves in sand and die, because that is where they are at technology wise. Too far gone to recover.
These are used to express emotion in e-mail or Internet communications.
A(n) ____ is application software that allows users to access and view Web pages.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Books
"I havn't gotten around to that book"~Me
"From anyone else I would accept that excuse."~Boyfriend
*inquisitive look"
"You read like a mofo, it is just like, giant tome, lol, one day"~Boyfriend
Apparently my boyfriend thinks highly of my reading skills.
"From anyone else I would accept that excuse."~Boyfriend
*inquisitive look"
"You read like a mofo, it is just like, giant tome, lol, one day"~Boyfriend
Apparently my boyfriend thinks highly of my reading skills.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Shades of Grey:Chapters 2-8
Ok so this book kept me up all night last night, I kept wanting to read more.Well I did. It was good, until the sex scene. When they started having sex, well I have read better sex scenes in fanfiction.
Spoilers:
There is a scene where her best friend Jose trying to force himself on her, what is it about jerky best friend males forcing themselves on you? I had a guy friend do this to me in my first college experience and it is pretty traumatizing. You know what is more traumatizing, the ridiculous feeling in ones head that future moronic choices they make are somehow your fault because you did not give them what they wanted.
Kate: Kate seems awesome, it bothers me that Ana pities her after she has sex with Christians brother. A women who knows what she wants and takes it is top form in *my* book.
That being said, Christian has gone from perfect dom to needy and creepy, and the book is losing its appeal quickly now that they have had sex.
Spoilers:
There is a scene where her best friend Jose trying to force himself on her, what is it about jerky best friend males forcing themselves on you? I had a guy friend do this to me in my first college experience and it is pretty traumatizing. You know what is more traumatizing, the ridiculous feeling in ones head that future moronic choices they make are somehow your fault because you did not give them what they wanted.
Kate: Kate seems awesome, it bothers me that Ana pities her after she has sex with Christians brother. A women who knows what she wants and takes it is top form in *my* book.
That being said, Christian has gone from perfect dom to needy and creepy, and the book is losing its appeal quickly now that they have had sex.
Shades of Grey, Chapter 1
Since I made a long rant about BDSM and this book, I decided to get a hold of a copy of Shades of Grey and start reading it for myself to scrutinize if it is indeed 'unhealthy' bdsm like some people have said.
So lets start with chapter 1. Spoilers ahead kids.
The book is written by a bristish lady about a Washington University lit student. It opens with the main character having self image problems, looking in a mirror, feeling inadequate and just going out the door anyway. She is on a quest for her ill roommate to give a millionaire executive a interview for their school newspaper. She drives to Seattle, and notices many sexy blonde secretaries (something many insecure girls notice). She has a very heated conversation and feels sexually attracted to the executive (who is late 20s), and they have a conversation about control. She makes ridiculous conclusions, and he actually describes what is considered in the BDSM community as a healthy dom perspective on life. He feels he has the power and knowledge to help lead people to their full potential, and that is how he runs his life and buisness. So far the only unwanted touching that seems to have happened is that he put her coat on her when she was leaving in a manner that is still considered gentlemanly.
So overall my opinion of chapter one is:
-Main character is relateable
-Main guy is pretty much text book ideal healthy dom
-Writing is far superior to Twilight
-I Want to read more....
So lets start with chapter 1. Spoilers ahead kids.
The book is written by a bristish lady about a Washington University lit student. It opens with the main character having self image problems, looking in a mirror, feeling inadequate and just going out the door anyway. She is on a quest for her ill roommate to give a millionaire executive a interview for their school newspaper. She drives to Seattle, and notices many sexy blonde secretaries (something many insecure girls notice). She has a very heated conversation and feels sexually attracted to the executive (who is late 20s), and they have a conversation about control. She makes ridiculous conclusions, and he actually describes what is considered in the BDSM community as a healthy dom perspective on life. He feels he has the power and knowledge to help lead people to their full potential, and that is how he runs his life and buisness. So far the only unwanted touching that seems to have happened is that he put her coat on her when she was leaving in a manner that is still considered gentlemanly.
So overall my opinion of chapter one is:
-Main character is relateable
-Main guy is pretty much text book ideal healthy dom
-Writing is far superior to Twilight
-I Want to read more....
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Old and Entitled
Do you ever run into people who are old, and thus feel they are entitled to be dicks? People who believe they deserve extra respect just for being alive longer, not for special merit? Well today I ran into one of these people.
My job at 'undisclosed coffee shop' provides wireless for free TO OUR CUSTOMERS. There is a sign on the window offering 'free wifi', to portray this. Any sane person understand that if you are going to go to a coffee shop and use their wireless, you are expected to buy some, anything, to claim your right to be there. It is just a kind of 'street knowledge'
Well today an old man came into my shop, asked me about my menu, said he wanted a coffee and would be back later. He came back later today and sat down, and got out his Mac (don't get me started on my disgust of mac users) and asked me to help him connect to the internet. After spending 10 minutes explaining (and looking up mac tutorials on my work computer because fuck macs I am not going to waste my time learning how to use inferior hipster technology) I finally get him set up with the internet, and I offer to get a coffee started for him (as we had discussed before) and he gruffly is like 'NO' and I thought 'well maybe he will order it later' and went about my business of running my shop. About half an hour later he makes a backhanded snarky comment and the music being 'stupid young people music' then later tells some misogynist joke about football which makes me want to snore.
So it comes close to close and I have just been slammed with my normal 'oh man the shop is closing in 30 minutes we ALL have to go NOW' crowd. I am cleaning up and tell the man we are closed. He looks at his clock and grumbles and super slowly starts packing up. I then say 'By the way, next time you come in I would like it if you purchased something, if you are going to sit here for hours...' And oh man the jerk exploded out of him. He started giving me lip about some made up in his head oregon law that if I have 'free wifi' he is entitled to use my internet without a purchase. To which I reply that we are a business and our free wifi is for CUSTOMERS not random smucks off the street(ok I implied the smucks part I don't have the gall or bad customer service/jerktude to actually say that out loud). Then he gives me some speech about 'knowing' one of my co-workers and how he had planned to come by for breakfast tomorrow(we are not open until noon good luck with that one). But god. The nerve. I was BEING POLITE. He was sucking up electricity, making requests and mooching our internet. How dare he be a jerk to me after all the effort I put into him when he gave me no tips and paid for nothing. If he comes in again without ordering I am accidentally going to block his IP and act like I am too stupid to know what is going on when he whines.
/end rant
My job at 'undisclosed coffee shop' provides wireless for free TO OUR CUSTOMERS. There is a sign on the window offering 'free wifi', to portray this. Any sane person understand that if you are going to go to a coffee shop and use their wireless, you are expected to buy some, anything, to claim your right to be there. It is just a kind of 'street knowledge'
Well today an old man came into my shop, asked me about my menu, said he wanted a coffee and would be back later. He came back later today and sat down, and got out his Mac (don't get me started on my disgust of mac users) and asked me to help him connect to the internet. After spending 10 minutes explaining (and looking up mac tutorials on my work computer because fuck macs I am not going to waste my time learning how to use inferior hipster technology) I finally get him set up with the internet, and I offer to get a coffee started for him (as we had discussed before) and he gruffly is like 'NO' and I thought 'well maybe he will order it later' and went about my business of running my shop. About half an hour later he makes a backhanded snarky comment and the music being 'stupid young people music' then later tells some misogynist joke about football which makes me want to snore.
So it comes close to close and I have just been slammed with my normal 'oh man the shop is closing in 30 minutes we ALL have to go NOW' crowd. I am cleaning up and tell the man we are closed. He looks at his clock and grumbles and super slowly starts packing up. I then say 'By the way, next time you come in I would like it if you purchased something, if you are going to sit here for hours...' And oh man the jerk exploded out of him. He started giving me lip about some made up in his head oregon law that if I have 'free wifi' he is entitled to use my internet without a purchase. To which I reply that we are a business and our free wifi is for CUSTOMERS not random smucks off the street(ok I implied the smucks part I don't have the gall or bad customer service/jerktude to actually say that out loud). Then he gives me some speech about 'knowing' one of my co-workers and how he had planned to come by for breakfast tomorrow(we are not open until noon good luck with that one). But god. The nerve. I was BEING POLITE. He was sucking up electricity, making requests and mooching our internet. How dare he be a jerk to me after all the effort I put into him when he gave me no tips and paid for nothing. If he comes in again without ordering I am accidentally going to block his IP and act like I am too stupid to know what is going on when he whines.
/end rant
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Sexy Abuse vs. BDSM
I have noticed a very disturbing trend in novels that are popular (IE Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey)
in idolizing abusive relationships. Now, I have not read 50 shades of grey, and I probably should to make this judgement. But I have read Twilight, and through the bad spelling, errors in grammar and VERY DULL plot line one thing is clear to me. Bella is a broken little girl, she gets sexually assualted by Jacob (a line about him forcing a kiss on her against her will, and her deciding it is OK halfway through, that is not healthy!), she gets abused in every way possibly mentally by Edward. He isolates her from her friends, stalks her, talks down to her ect.
So this 50 shades of grey book is SUPPOSE to be BDSM, but let me say it is NOT an example of healthy bdsm relationships. The key ingredient in a Dom/sub relationship is trust. If for example, a guy has you tied up, and gagged and you are 100% under his control, you have to trust him to not do anything on your list of hard or even soft NO lines. In my past, I have had a guy take naked pictures without my consent, then try and manipulate(and initially succeeding) in convincing me I was ok with this. Nude pictures are a hard NO for me. I don't want nude pictures of me on the internet, I am NOT ok with people having nude pictures of me, and if I find anyone spreading nude pictures of me, they can bet I am taking them to court for it. If you find yourself being 'convinced' or 'talked' into doing things you are NOT ok with, it is time to get out of a relationship. If someone loves and cares about you, they won't push you into things you are not comfortable with. Because they are a respectful human being. BDSM is about people (like myself) who enjoy pain and power play setting up firm boundaries with someone they trust and playing out scenes under these fantasies and fetishes. You need to have a safe word, and there needs to be some physical gesture you can make if you are gagged. The MOMENT this motion is made your partner needs to stop. I have personally only used my safeword once, and it was a great moment to see my partner stop and turn from playfully aggressive to kind and concerned.
So remember this when you read books where men mentally dominate women(or physically) in an aggressive and unhealthy manner. Aggression is not healthy. Trust is.
in idolizing abusive relationships. Now, I have not read 50 shades of grey, and I probably should to make this judgement. But I have read Twilight, and through the bad spelling, errors in grammar and VERY DULL plot line one thing is clear to me. Bella is a broken little girl, she gets sexually assualted by Jacob (a line about him forcing a kiss on her against her will, and her deciding it is OK halfway through, that is not healthy!), she gets abused in every way possibly mentally by Edward. He isolates her from her friends, stalks her, talks down to her ect.
So this 50 shades of grey book is SUPPOSE to be BDSM, but let me say it is NOT an example of healthy bdsm relationships. The key ingredient in a Dom/sub relationship is trust. If for example, a guy has you tied up, and gagged and you are 100% under his control, you have to trust him to not do anything on your list of hard or even soft NO lines. In my past, I have had a guy take naked pictures without my consent, then try and manipulate(and initially succeeding) in convincing me I was ok with this. Nude pictures are a hard NO for me. I don't want nude pictures of me on the internet, I am NOT ok with people having nude pictures of me, and if I find anyone spreading nude pictures of me, they can bet I am taking them to court for it. If you find yourself being 'convinced' or 'talked' into doing things you are NOT ok with, it is time to get out of a relationship. If someone loves and cares about you, they won't push you into things you are not comfortable with. Because they are a respectful human being. BDSM is about people (like myself) who enjoy pain and power play setting up firm boundaries with someone they trust and playing out scenes under these fantasies and fetishes. You need to have a safe word, and there needs to be some physical gesture you can make if you are gagged. The MOMENT this motion is made your partner needs to stop. I have personally only used my safeword once, and it was a great moment to see my partner stop and turn from playfully aggressive to kind and concerned.
So remember this when you read books where men mentally dominate women(or physically) in an aggressive and unhealthy manner. Aggression is not healthy. Trust is.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Missing Magic
The last time I built a computer was in 2005, and I still have that computer. It was a magical process, building it from scratch and watching it boot and a blank slate was there for me to build, it made me feel like a magician and my entire life was brighter that day. Well today I put together a new computer, I have been lurking about using my partners PC, using a barely functional laptop from 2007, and barely keeping my 05 computer running. Electronics age, they just are not made to be used heavily for 5+ years.
I had ordered this computer off w00t, I did not build it from scratch, I don't have the time or money to invest in a computer I would consider worthy of building. It is a very nice computer, 1 TB hard-drive, 4GB of Ram, a dual core processor. Perfectly suitable for someone who does light gaming and lots of sitting around writing stories and playing around on her computer. I don't regret my purchase. It was less than 300 dollars.
But.
The magic is no longer there, I am not excitedly finding a wallpaper to install. I am just sitting here going 'yeeeep' and staring at it. There is no feeling of the world suddenly being more brilliant and shiny because I have a new toy. Why? I really don't know why. Maybe with time I am becoming disillusioned to material gain happiness. Classes start on Monday, oh right. I am going back to school. Maybe I forgot to say that.
I had ordered this computer off w00t, I did not build it from scratch, I don't have the time or money to invest in a computer I would consider worthy of building. It is a very nice computer, 1 TB hard-drive, 4GB of Ram, a dual core processor. Perfectly suitable for someone who does light gaming and lots of sitting around writing stories and playing around on her computer. I don't regret my purchase. It was less than 300 dollars.
But.
The magic is no longer there, I am not excitedly finding a wallpaper to install. I am just sitting here going 'yeeeep' and staring at it. There is no feeling of the world suddenly being more brilliant and shiny because I have a new toy. Why? I really don't know why. Maybe with time I am becoming disillusioned to material gain happiness. Classes start on Monday, oh right. I am going back to school. Maybe I forgot to say that.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Pride
Today my partner, my best friend, an online friend and I went to a Pride Festival/Parade. I have never felt so normal in my life. For once I was not the 'quirky' dressed girl. Everywhere around me there were attractive women, funky clothing, and eccentric styles. <3 It is great being in a bisexual relationship because you can go to an event like this and check everyone out together.
After a very colorful and fun parade we went and did some shopping. I picked up a gorgeous black and gold starfish necklace that was hand crafted in glass. My partner picked up 3 well hanging creepers. My best friend got a cute skirt and my online friend got a cat toy. It was a fun day.
After a very colorful and fun parade we went and did some shopping. I picked up a gorgeous black and gold starfish necklace that was hand crafted in glass. My partner picked up 3 well hanging creepers. My best friend got a cute skirt and my online friend got a cat toy. It was a fun day.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Figure.09
"And now you've become a part of me, you'll always be right here
You've become a part of me, you'll always be my fear
I can't separate myself from what I've done
Giving up a part of me I've let myself become you"
I always feared these lyrics. I feared they would apply. I feared they would become me.
I feared that the things my past lovers did that I hated would be me. I feared correctly, yet I feared without good cause.
Part of life is changing. Did I want to stay a Christian bubble princess for life? Did I want to judge everyone on some vague and un-authetic basis for life? Maybe I thought I did.
When I was asked to be Polyamorous by the first person I loved, with great strain, I took that step. I hurt so many by denying myself in such a way. I thought I was 'proving' my love to him. But all I was doing was taking all the foundations of what I believed a relationship consisted of and throwing it to the wind.
Relationships require trust, they require truth. They require compromise on all sides, but not selfless idiotic giving up of morals.
I regret yet don't all my actions with him. Why did I think I was so special that I deserved commitment from someone who does not do commitment? Even with his 'love of his life' that he left me for, he eventually slept with her best friend. Commitment is not part of who he is. Thus could I have loved him at all? I ask these questions of myself and feel a fool for so many of my past actions.
Yes, he hurt me, he cheated on me, he didn't use protection. But I was asking a bird to not fly. Monogamy isn't even that natural. Its use is for stabilized family units that are producing spawn, and I never felt the need to breed.
It is hard to express this part of myself, and I don't feel it needs to be secret. The only reason to keep secrets is if you fear yourself. I refuse to fear myself anymore. I am who I am. I have no reason to hide who I am. My past is in the past. I will let go of this guilt. I cut these people free of chains(or they cut themselves free), and I shouldn't let my end of the chains drag me down.
Goodbye.
You've become a part of me, you'll always be my fear
I can't separate myself from what I've done
Giving up a part of me I've let myself become you"
I always feared these lyrics. I feared they would apply. I feared they would become me.
I feared that the things my past lovers did that I hated would be me. I feared correctly, yet I feared without good cause.
Part of life is changing. Did I want to stay a Christian bubble princess for life? Did I want to judge everyone on some vague and un-authetic basis for life? Maybe I thought I did.
When I was asked to be Polyamorous by the first person I loved, with great strain, I took that step. I hurt so many by denying myself in such a way. I thought I was 'proving' my love to him. But all I was doing was taking all the foundations of what I believed a relationship consisted of and throwing it to the wind.
Relationships require trust, they require truth. They require compromise on all sides, but not selfless idiotic giving up of morals.
I regret yet don't all my actions with him. Why did I think I was so special that I deserved commitment from someone who does not do commitment? Even with his 'love of his life' that he left me for, he eventually slept with her best friend. Commitment is not part of who he is. Thus could I have loved him at all? I ask these questions of myself and feel a fool for so many of my past actions.
Yes, he hurt me, he cheated on me, he didn't use protection. But I was asking a bird to not fly. Monogamy isn't even that natural. Its use is for stabilized family units that are producing spawn, and I never felt the need to breed.
It is hard to express this part of myself, and I don't feel it needs to be secret. The only reason to keep secrets is if you fear yourself. I refuse to fear myself anymore. I am who I am. I have no reason to hide who I am. My past is in the past. I will let go of this guilt. I cut these people free of chains(or they cut themselves free), and I shouldn't let my end of the chains drag me down.
Goodbye.
Slumber
As I lay in bed, my sleep far from me. I have a world of comfort sprawled around me. My eyes and hands embracing a world far from this, a place of safety. A land that thrusts its words to my head to explode in picturesque beauty. Yet next to me is beauty undoubtedly equal. The silence of REM transforming away all portrayed emotions. Soft undercurrents of beaten innocence, cries of distress for foiled salvations. No need to look strong next to me in slumber, a master of self, mine to devour. Dismissing the need to touch my muse lest it stir out of tranquility. Softly even in sleep it touches my soul.
Friday, June 8, 2012
River Walkin
I was walking along the a river with my friend Chucky today, and there was a beautiful hail storm around us. The river was streaming, and there were coast guard cutters and navy ships everywhere we looked. It was a good day.
Unfortunately his ISTJ friend was along with us, and man I hate Js. They are so close minded and moronic. Trying to squeeze everything around them into their narrow povs. I just wanted to be alone with my good friend. It is sad when you have to sacrifice being with someone you hate to be near someone you love.
Unfortunately his ISTJ friend was along with us, and man I hate Js. They are so close minded and moronic. Trying to squeeze everything around them into their narrow povs. I just wanted to be alone with my good friend. It is sad when you have to sacrifice being with someone you hate to be near someone you love.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
College and Adulthood
As a young person, I imagined a glorious life, where I could drink as much coffee as I wanted and read whatever books I wanted from a library. It was my initial dream of escaping the ill definded set confines of my parents. I grew up in a religious home that made me think marriage and children was the only option for a women. Yet I strived for the college degree, I wanted to be more than just a mother. I did not even really want to BE a mother. There was a point where I hit hormones and dreamed of becoming the wife of a guy from church who was running off to be a missionary. Fortunately for me before such a foul thing happened he found a girl and got engaged and ran off with her.
College was time of struggle for me, I had come from a homeschooled background and suddenly every value I had ever held was questioned. There was sex, nudity, sexy women and even drugs all around me. I was in culture shock, and I was in love with all the new ideas. Once I got past the wonderment of college life, I started striving towards college degrees. Knowledge became so important, I did lots of delayed gratification, dreaming that after college I would find a job as a scientist, own a little house, maybe have a husband and lots of cats and live happily ever after. WHAT WAS I THINKING. Not only are jobs a struggle to find, but most of them require a complete deletion of conscious, morals and enjoyment of life. I know a handful of people who love their jobs, but most of them are either completely different personality types than me or liars that cheat their way into things.
So here I am, post college, and I really just want to go back to my wonderful world of academics and focus on school again. So of course you can guess what I am doing :-p
Note to new college students. Don't do a degree that is fun, do a degree that is useful. Also go to grad school.
Adulthood stinks. I hate having to clean my house, balance checkbooks and figure out where the next meal is coming from. That is why I sit around reading books from the library, and work at a coffee shop drinking as much coffee as I want and ignoring my chores. So in a way have I not won at life for now? My initial dream is here. Unlimited coffee and unlimited books. Not to mention of have a smoking hot boyfriend, three cats, and get to go to arcades multiple times a week.
College was time of struggle for me, I had come from a homeschooled background and suddenly every value I had ever held was questioned. There was sex, nudity, sexy women and even drugs all around me. I was in culture shock, and I was in love with all the new ideas. Once I got past the wonderment of college life, I started striving towards college degrees. Knowledge became so important, I did lots of delayed gratification, dreaming that after college I would find a job as a scientist, own a little house, maybe have a husband and lots of cats and live happily ever after. WHAT WAS I THINKING. Not only are jobs a struggle to find, but most of them require a complete deletion of conscious, morals and enjoyment of life. I know a handful of people who love their jobs, but most of them are either completely different personality types than me or liars that cheat their way into things.
So here I am, post college, and I really just want to go back to my wonderful world of academics and focus on school again. So of course you can guess what I am doing :-p
Note to new college students. Don't do a degree that is fun, do a degree that is useful. Also go to grad school.
Adulthood stinks. I hate having to clean my house, balance checkbooks and figure out where the next meal is coming from. That is why I sit around reading books from the library, and work at a coffee shop drinking as much coffee as I want and ignoring my chores. So in a way have I not won at life for now? My initial dream is here. Unlimited coffee and unlimited books. Not to mention of have a smoking hot boyfriend, three cats, and get to go to arcades multiple times a week.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Reputation
Repuation is a weird thing. A person can be manipulative and a liar and do multiple illegal things, but put on a fake nice face and people think they are a 'nice person'. Ignoring all facts otherwise. These fake popular people must feel a lot of stress trying to keep up a nice person persona in public. It is far easier to be overly outspoken and a bit rude, and not actually try and manipulate people in my experience. Sure you might not win 'friends' but is someone really your friend if you have to put on airs whenever they are around? I take pride in that all my friends know who I am, they know I am loud, straightforward, and yet kind. I do not HAVE hidden motivations behind my friendships. I don't need 'power', I want friends that ACTUALLY care about the REAL me. Not some persona. Thus really I am happy for my intelligent friends that can make perception checks and ignore other fake people and realize that I am their friend, and as long as they don't lie to me things are all good in the hood.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Cersei Lanister
Funny, in the books I never felt sympathy or understanding of Cersei, but the most recent episode of the tv show has given me perspective to the sad life she lives. I feel for her deep inside now. True fact, there is no such thing as evil.
Quick fact on the actress. She played the Queen character in 300, guess she just pulls off Royal well.
I really like Cerseis costumes in game of thrones. They are medieval meets Japanese and highly Amidala-ish
Quick fact on the actress. She played the Queen character in 300, guess she just pulls off Royal well.
I really like Cerseis costumes in game of thrones. They are medieval meets Japanese and highly Amidala-ish
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Emily Strange
Dat feel, try read book, bored stiff.
Emily strange gave me dat feel.
I SHOULD like it, I don't. Boooring.
*pulls her cats tail playfully instead*
Emily strange gave me dat feel.
I SHOULD like it, I don't. Boooring.
*pulls her cats tail playfully instead*
Teens/Young Adults and Money
So my best friend and I are discussing this one less than 23 year old we know of who has gone to Europe twice in the last year or so. I know lots of other people who have traveled all over the world and they are all under 25. I understand my friends who work lots of part time jobs and save for months/years and live with their parents(IE don't have to pay rent). But what I don't understand is kids who do NOT have jobs? Where does the money to travel come from? Are their parents seriously banking out thousands of dollars so their children can travel? Are they using student loans or credit cards?
The reason I query so hard is, I come from a above average well off family, my father and mother combined have always made between 100k and 200k since I hit around 15. Yet I never saw this money. Sure I always had a roof over my head, and my mom bought me college text books and if I couldn't make rent during college, my parents always loaned me the money. But I never was shipped off to Europe for weeks on end. I have a huge student loan to pay back and I have spent my entire life living comfortably but minimalistic. I just can't image being spoiled so. *shrugs*
The reason I query so hard is, I come from a above average well off family, my father and mother combined have always made between 100k and 200k since I hit around 15. Yet I never saw this money. Sure I always had a roof over my head, and my mom bought me college text books and if I couldn't make rent during college, my parents always loaned me the money. But I never was shipped off to Europe for weeks on end. I have a huge student loan to pay back and I have spent my entire life living comfortably but minimalistic. I just can't image being spoiled so. *shrugs*
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Anxiety
As a young girl, I never felt anxiety. It is strange how I always was confident and outgoing and knew what I wanted and felt that all my actions were justified. Now as I grow older, I find myselfdoubting my actions more and more. I don't feel like I can look at all my actions and never doubt them. I guess people who never doubt their decisions are less mentally stable in the long run though. How can you live life never feeling that you might have made the wrong decision and actually be kind and polite. I guess my main reason for this anxiety is my new job. If I do something wrong at my job, my boss texts me when he gets in in the morning and 'lets me know' but this makes me fear looking at my phone all day! I NEVER felt this kind of fear in past circumstances. I would laugh at people who questioned my actions and feel 100% justified. I am hoping I can rebuild my confidence. I have a strong partner at my side, and I am making choices for me, not others now. I have clear set goals that I need to pursue.
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